I confess that I wrote this post in part with Confessional Friday in mind on The Blonde Ambition Blog. I want this part of my story to be shared...but I am not brave enough to share it on my facebook or instagram pages just yet...not really sure why. But I confess that today is not the day I'll share it there, but I also confess it was good to get it on paper, cry about it and commit to posting today. So here goes....
I have questioned writing this post. And questioned posting it. And questioned pulling it back down. But since it IS my blog, and this IS my story...well, let's just let it ride, shall we?
I don't have an earthly mother. She passed away on October 8, 1996. I really don't have the words to tell you how I would have done things differently with her. Appreciated her more. Treated her better. Not been a teenage brat. Especially after my dad died earlier in the year before her. We had some awful yelling matches that summer. She was grieving, I was grieving, it was ugly. I was in a relationship, engaged to a man I would end up marrying 3 years later, knowing that I shouldn't, and end up divorcing as unhappy as I was when I got married. Mother's Day is hard. I don't get to celebrate all the things my mom was to me but I was too bratty to tell her, too self centered to acknowledge how she had gone to school to be a nurse, gave up her career to be a mom and then provide loving childcare for many children who are still near and dear to me. I didn't appreciate her then like I should have. And now I can't because she's gone and that sucks. Like, seriously sucks.
I am not a mom. Despite two awful rounds of IVF and over 100 shots and countless internal ultrasounds, I am still not able to be a mom. I have two frozen embryos in cryostorage that are not deemed viable due to chromosome issues. But my heart hurts because they are mine. A boy and a girl. And there is nothing I can do about it. But sit and cry and grieve the children I won't ever meet. Struggle with the fact that according to the fertility clinic they are biological waste caught in limbo while we wait for my doctor to do as he promised and give a picture of the tube that they are in so that I have something to hold on to. 1000s of dollars, many more tears than I can count and an empty womb are what I have left. And that sucks too.
I have a wonderful husband. A truly blessed marriage. And sometimes I feel guilty for not being appreciative enough of that, not being content with the blessing of my marriage. Maybe it is enough. Maybe I don't need to be a mom to feel complete. Maybe I should be thankful that God has given me RC and just move on with our lives as non-parents. The things I have saved over the years, baby clothes, favorite toys, things I would like to pass on to my child...they taunt me at my house...and some days I feel like I should get rid of all of it. Accept the fact that I'm not going to be a mom and let it go. We need to get my house cleaned out and on the market, and yet it sits with remnants of my daycare...things I wanted to hold onto for my child and use when they were this age or that, because I had used them for 17 years with the babies I loved on for my job. There are boxes of photos and memorabilia from my childhood, from my parents lives...if I have no children to pass them onto...what happens to them? Garbage? Good will? I just can't fathom it. I guess I won't have to when my time comes...but the thought of not having a child to pass on the memories of my parents or the crazy things I did as a teenager (or maybe not too many details of that, right?) oh...it just makes me sad. I never imagined I would not be a mom. Not be able to celebrate Mother's Day as a mom. And while the door is not shut completely, it is a big mountain to climb financially, emotionally and regarding time as I am not getting any younger.
I trust God to give me what He has planned for my life. I really do deep down in my heart. I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. That selfish side of me want to hold onto the dream of being a mom, having that homemade card from my preschooler with their handprint for mother's day hanging on the fridge. Maybe that isn't God's plan for me. I still don't know. Until then, my husband and I will continue to pray for God's will in our lives, for guidance on how to proceed this fall, on how to prepare in the meantime.
Happy Mother's Day to all those who have children. And to all those who read this and are not mothers...I know you understand my heart and I know the empty ache in yours all too well. I am praying for you too this Mother's Day.
Blessings,
Stephanie
