Blog Challenge - Accepted!

Ok, blogland friends - I have accepted this challenge through NaBloPoMo - you can read about their site here.  It requires me to post Monday through Friday, so we shall see! I have listed the prompts for the month below! Happy New Year everyone!

Blessings,
Stephanie

Thursday, January 1, 2015
What are your resolutions for the new year? Tell us how you picked them.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Do you usually keep your resolutions? Tell us about a time when you were particularly successful.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Tell us about your worst habit?
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Have you ever tried to break a habit and failed? What made it so difficult to break?
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Do you have any good habits that were hard to start but you're happy you worked to build them?
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Tell us about the habit you wished you had. What stops you from trying to build it into your daily life?
Friday, January 9, 2015
Do you think you have more good habits or bad habits?
Monday, January 12, 2015
Do you enjoy repetition, or do you always need change?
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Do you tend to order the same thing at restaurants? Or do you like to jump around the menu?
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Do you need to always find new music, authors, or actors, or do you stick with what you already know you like?
Thursday, January 15, 2015
If you had to read the same book year after year after year, what would it be?
Friday, January 16, 2015
Similar to yesterday, if you had to watch the same movie every single month for the next 10 years, what would it be?
Monday, January 19, 2015
Aristotle said, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." What do you think he meant by this statement?
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Twyla Tharp said that creativity is a habit. Do you agree or disagree?
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Hippocrates famously said: "Make a habit of two things: to help; or at least to do no harm." Add one more important habit to his list.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Olympic medalist Jim Ryun said: "Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going." Where do you find the motivation to start a new habit?
Friday, January 23, 2015
Mary Martin said, "Stop the habit of wishful thinking and start the habit of thoughtful wishes." What do you think is the difference?
Monday, January 26, 2015
Do you feel chained or released by your habits?
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Tell us about your morning routine. What is one thing you want to change?
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Tell us about your night routine. What is one thing you could never imagine changing about it?
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Do you think of yourself as a creature of habit or a change monster?
Friday, January 30, 2015
Are you still keeping the resolutions you made at the beginning of the month? Why or why not?

Holiday Blues

I love the Christmas season.  I really do.  And usually by now I have the tree up, the porch decorated and a smattering of décor throughout the house.  This morning I sit with fall decorations just taken down last night, storage tubs still sitting behind the couch and two more floral arrangements and wreath to dismantle and find a home for.  No Christmas in sight.

I have actually bought a few presents already, and the Christmas music has been playing in the car and around the house.  But for some reason, I am just not in the Christmas mood yet.  I am pretty sure it has to do with how overwhelmed I feel at the moment with everything in my life that "needs" to be done with the limited amount of hours I have between now and the end of the year to do them.

I miss my daycare kids and the holiday traditions we had, decorating the tree, making silly crafts for them to give to their parents...I recently saw a reindeer hand we made one year on a Christmas tree picture posted on Instagram and it made me smile, but also a little sad too.  Sad because I want that for our family...a child to have traditions with, to share our story with, pass our history on to. 

Maybe that isn't God's plan for me, or His timing isn't exactly what I had hoped.  This is yet to be seen.  I am just not in the let's decorate it with glitter and bows and pretend it's all okay place today.  Or yesterday. Or last week.  Well, you get the point.

I have been mulling over this passage of scripture from Hebrew 19:13 and following.  Trying to focus on the promises of God to never leave me nor forsake me and work things for His good in my life.  So that's where I leave it for today.  Praying that God's direction and plan for my life will be the forefront this Christmas season.  And everyday beyond that.

The Certainty of God's Promise

¹³ For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, ¹⁴ saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” ¹⁵ And thus Abraham,^[b] having patiently waited, obtained the promise. ¹⁶ For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. ¹⁷ So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, ¹⁸ so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. ¹⁹ We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, ²⁰ where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

Some days...

Some days...

• I want to be a kid again, where someone else is responsible for the bills and grocery shopping and laundry
• I want to be 25 again and trust my gut (and my friends) when they question whether or not I should get married to husband #1 - turns out I knew I knew better and I paid the price many times over for my stubbornness
• I wish I knew that having a baby was going to be this hard and waiting until 40 to start fertility treatments would be awful, frustrating and heartbreaking
• I wish I had learned to budget and not spending money on random crap that I am now either donating or selling for a fraction of what I spent - it would be money I could use for fertility treatments
• I wish I would have been able to start a relationship with my precious RC earlier in my life.  My marriage to him is such a blessing and it would have been awesome to be his wife a few years earlier.
• I want magical cleaning powers to organize, clean out and throw away the items that still need to be gone through in my childhood home to get it ready to sell.  It's just overwhelming
• I wish there was indeed a way to lose weight and get in shape and still enjoy cooking and eating and not have to sweat like a crazy person.
• I wish I had the Better Homes and Gardens yard that I would love to sit in and enjoy the nature around me.  A yard without weeds, bugs and no green pool full of frogs...ahhh...it would be so nice.
• I dream of a world where there is no sorrow, no grief and no heartache. I would love to protect the ones I love from ever experiencing loss and pain.
• I long to be more disciplined in most areas of my life.  Journaling, prayer time, exercise, house cleaning...to name a few.
• I wish I could pack in our travel trailer and see the country.  Just set out and go for the fun of it.  Who needs a job, right? Oh wait. Yeah - I guess we'd have to fund it somehow.
• I would love to have the knack for extreme couponing, or at least extreme enough to get laundry detergent, razors, shampoo and conditioner...things that are ridiculously overpriced to begin with.
• I wish I had paid more attention to my mom and her sewing skills.  I would love to be able to take a pattern and craft an outfit of my own.  Clothes are expensive! And plus size clothes are even MORE expensive!

I won't wish my life away, and I am grateful for what God has chosen to bless my life with.  I know that some days are better than others.  So let's make today a good one!

Hugs and Love from SC,
Stephanie

Happy Non Mother's Day

I confess that I wrote this post  in part with Confessional Friday in mind on The Blonde Ambition Blog.  I want this part of my story to be shared...but I am not brave enough to share it on my facebook or instagram pages just yet...not really sure why.  But I confess that today is not the day I'll share it there, but I also confess it was good to get it on paper, cry about it and commit to posting today.  So here goes....

I have questioned writing this post.  And questioned posting it.  And questioned pulling it back down.  But since it IS my blog, and this IS my story...well, let's just let it ride, shall we?

I don't have an earthly mother.  She passed away on October 8, 1996.  I really don't have the words to tell you how I would have done things differently with her.  Appreciated her more.  Treated her better.  Not been a teenage brat.  Especially after my dad died earlier in the year before her.  We had some awful yelling matches that summer.  She was grieving, I was grieving, it was ugly.  I was in a relationship, engaged to a man I would end up marrying 3 years later, knowing that I shouldn't, and end up divorcing as unhappy as I was when I got married.  Mother's Day is hard.  I don't get to celebrate all the things my mom was to me but I was too bratty to tell her, too self centered to acknowledge how she had gone to school to be a nurse, gave up her career to be a mom and then provide loving childcare for many children who are still near and dear to me.  I didn't appreciate her then like I should have.  And now I can't because she's gone and that sucks.  Like, seriously sucks.

I am not a mom.  Despite two awful rounds of IVF and over 100 shots and countless internal ultrasounds, I am still not able to be a mom.  I have two frozen embryos in cryostorage that are not deemed viable due to chromosome issues.  But my heart hurts because they are mine.  A boy and a girl.  And there is nothing I can do about it.  But sit and cry and grieve the children I won't ever meet.  Struggle with the fact that according to the fertility clinic they are biological waste caught in limbo while we wait for my doctor to do as he promised and give a picture of the tube that they are in so that I have something to hold on to.  1000s of dollars, many more tears than I can count and an empty womb are what I have left.  And that sucks too.

I have a wonderful husband.  A truly blessed marriage.  And sometimes I feel guilty for not being appreciative enough of that, not being content with the blessing of my marriage.  Maybe it is enough.  Maybe I don't need to be a mom to feel complete.  Maybe I should be thankful that God has given me RC and just move on with our lives as non-parents.  The things I have saved over the years, baby clothes, favorite toys, things I would like to pass on to my child...they taunt me at my house...and some days I feel like I should get rid of all of it.  Accept the fact that I'm not going to be a mom and let it go.  We need to get my house cleaned out and on the market, and yet it sits with remnants of my daycare...things I wanted to hold onto for my child and use when they were this age or that, because I had used them for 17 years with the babies I loved on for my job.  There are boxes of photos and memorabilia from my childhood, from my parents lives...if I have no children to pass them onto...what happens to them?  Garbage?  Good will?  I just can't fathom it.  I guess I won't have to when my time comes...but the thought of not having a child to pass on the memories of my parents or the crazy things I did as a teenager (or maybe not too many details of that, right?) oh...it just makes me sad.  I never imagined I would not be a mom.  Not be able to celebrate Mother's Day as a mom.  And while the door is not shut completely, it is a big mountain to climb financially, emotionally and regarding time as I am not getting any younger. 

I trust God to give me what He has planned for my life.  I really do deep down in my heart.  I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me.  That selfish side of me want to hold onto the dream of being a mom, having that homemade card from my preschooler with their handprint for mother's day hanging on the fridge.  Maybe that isn't God's plan for me.  I still don't know.  Until then, my husband and I will continue to pray for God's will in our lives, for guidance on how to proceed this fall, on how to prepare in the meantime. 

Happy Mother's Day to all those who have children.  And to all those who read this and are not mothers...I know you understand my heart and I know the empty ache in yours all too well.  I am praying for you too this Mother's Day. 

Blessings,
Stephanie

Monday Musing

Today has been a bit of a blur, but I wanted to sit and write out a few thoughts while they were rolling around in my head.  We met with our doctor for a little over an hour on Friday and were so thankful for the time to ask questions and get some well needed answers.  We found out that we CAN take some time off to regroup financially, emotionally and physically since my ovarian reserve number was normal.  We found out that my doctor would request a picture of the storage vials our embryos are in so that we can have that prior to their disposal and he will refund us the money we paid for the new month of storage due to the delay in getting back with us.  I am so relieved at both of these.  One, we need some down time to get back to life as we knew it for a bit, lose some weight (feritlity drugs have my already "fluffy" body in extreme fluff mode and to take some time to pray about our options moving forward.  I am so thankful that we will have a picture of the embryos to hold onto and remember those two IVF cycles, even though they didn't go on to become viable options for transfer.  Anyone who has been through assisted reproduction will probably understand the need for closure after a failed cycle.  So for now, I am breathing a sigh of relief.  Now we pray.  And get back on a healthy eating plan and walking again.  And pray some more.

 

Yesterday one of our worship leaders sang the song "Changed" by Rascal Flatts...what a cool thing to be a part of a church that can do stuff like that...and what a great song.  You can watch the video here and the words are below.  We all fall short of perfection, right?  I thank God for His grace and mercy and willingness to meet us where we are.  Some days we just need a reminder. So here's one for you!

 

Blessings,

Stephanie :-)

 

I came up out of the water
Raised my hands up to the Father
Gave it all to him that day
Felt a new wind kiss my face
Walked away, Eyes wide open
Could finally see where I was going
It didn't matter where I'd been
I'm not the same man I was then

I got off track, I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost
Lines get crossed
and the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees, Now here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am
Changed

I got a lot of “Hey, I’m sorry”s
The things I’ve done
Man, that was not me
I wish that I could take it all back
I just want to tell em’ that
Tell 'em that

I got off track, I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost
Lines get crossed
and the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees, Now here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am

I'm changed for the better
More smiles, less bitter
I'm even starting to forgive myself

I hit my knee, I’m here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am, Here I am, Here I am
Changed
Yes I am
I’m changed for the better.
Thank God I'm changed.

 

Confessional Friday

Good Morning Blogging Land,

This has been a quick week for me, it hardly feels like it should be Friday again already. It is indeed almost the weekend and thus time to link up again with Leslie at www.blondeambitionblog.com for a Confessional Friday.

• I confess that I haven't blogged this week because I've just been a slacker.  I have had a semi busy week, but still could have made time to blog and just didn't.  I have no excuses. Moving on.
• I confess that this article that was circulated via Facebook this week resonated so much with me and where I am right now with the two embryos we have in cryostorage that are unusable.  I am so torn...they are mine...even though they are not deemed viable.  I struggle so much with them being medical waste and with moving on to whatever lies next for us in our path to become parents.  This process is hard.  I had no idea. 
• I confess that I have an appointment with my fertility doctor today and I am nervous, excited and a little scared.  More hesitant than scared probably, but still.  I stumbled upon this picture of my maternal grandmother, my mom, my sister and myself yesterday and it makes me sad to think we may have to use a donor egg to be able to have a child and I won't be able to pass along the genes pictured here.  No, it's not the worst thing ever, and yes, I "should" be able to get pregnant with a non 40 year old egg.  But it still makes me sad.  We will see what the doctor has to say today regarding where we go from here.
  
•  I confess that I miss my job.  Not really the "job" part of it, but the interacting with my kids and parents (some of them) and just getting to love on them every day.  I do think that I was meant to be a caregiver, a momma even...it just feels right to me, like it's a part of me that is who I am.  This picture is from a field trip with part of my herd way back when and it just makes me smile.  I loved seeing their faces when they did things for the first time, like riding a horse...they are moments I'll treasure forever.
  
•  I confess that my husband is super excited about the new building we are undertaking with our church and I am somewhat more reserved because I know with a new building it equals more people and there are a lot of folks at NRCC now.  I love that our pastor says we aren't building a monument, a shrine or some fancy palace, and that the new building is a tool for reaching the unchurched in the Lake Wylie area and I think that's perfect.  I do sometimes miss the small church feel I had at my home church which usually had 100 or less folks a week.  Our God is big and He will show me how to continue to nurture the relationships I have and use them for His glory...I just need to get out of the way I suppose.  It's something I'm praying about!  Here's a pic of my hubby videotaping the curing concrete pad on the new church building...you can't see his face, but he was pretty pumped...and that makes me smile.
  
•  I confess that this Nannie is getting old.  In the next month I'll go to the wedding of one of "my" kids and help another with her house warming party for her first home.  It's amazing that God has allowed me to be a part of these two girls' lives for this long...they came to our house way back in 1990 and 1991 and they are grown women now, both having graduated college and I couldn't be more proud of them.  Here they are back in 2001...and I still remember these goofy smiles...ohhhh, it makes my heart happy to see them so happy now.
  
•  I confess I am marinating in this verse today...Someone on my friends list on facebook posted it...so I sharing in the hopes of encouraging one of you too! Have a wonderful day fellow bloggers...hugs and love from SC!

  Isaiah 40:31

  The Message (MSG)
  ^27-31 Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
  or, whine, Israel, saying,
  “God has lost track of me.
  He doesn’t care what happens to me”?
  Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening?
  God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.
  He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.
  He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.
  And he knows everything, inside and out.
  He energizes those who get tired,
  gives fresh strength to dropouts.
  For even young people tire and drop out,
  young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
  But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
  They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
  They run and don’t get tired,
  they walk and don’t lag behind.
 

Confessional Friday

All righty, this week I'll actually be linking up to the blog I mentioned last week at www.blondeambitionblog.com with some others confessing our little hearts out. My sister has done one as well at www.muchadoaboutjenny.blogspot.com so check it out! Welcome to any newbies who have wandered by my blog :-)

Here's my top five for this week.

1) I confess that I procrastinated us into another month of cryostorage for my two little embryos deemed not transferable due to abnormalities because I am trying to see if they can give me a picture of them or of their storage container...something I can have as a reminder that they did exist before moving to the next IVF cycle. *Sigh* Makes me sad and costs us $50.

2) I confess that I took a whole day this week and worked on seat favors for the weekend crop I am hosting in two weeks and they turned out super cute, don't you think? I also confess that I can't move the picture up here on my phone for some reason...so see the cute picture at the bottom, please!

3)I confess that I did some old releationship purging therapy yesterday and threw away many cards, pictures and just stuff from waaaay back with husband number one. And then I dreamed last night that I was his housekeeper and nanny and that my sister and I completely rearranged his kitchen for some reason. What in the world? (Note: we actually get along and I am not angry or anything with him anymore, but I am surely not gonna be his housekeeper)

4) I confess that I am overwhelmed with 17 years of pictures from being a Nannie and family pictures, memorabilia, etc that I have been pouring through this week. I want to document those years of my life, but the sheer volume is crazy and then I think if my husband and I are are unable to have a child when it is all said and done ~ what will happen to those scrapbooks? Yup. Trash. Soooo the dilemma continues. For now, I am STILL sorting.

5) I confess that I am super excited about getting in some Nannie time today with my favorite Peyton and Haila. I definitely miss those two! I got to spend a little time with their baby sister earlier this week...she's a mess!  Here she is cheesing it up with me!

Here is the aforementioned photo of the cute seat favors I made this week!

Confessional Friday

My sister has been linking her blog www.muchadoaboutjenny.blogspot.com up for a Confessional Friday post link up at www.blondeambitionblog.com and I thought I'd tag along this time...however she couldn't get her link up site to work today, so I will just throw this one up randomly and try again next week.  I linked up many moons ago with another blogger and haven't done it in years, mainly since said blogger has gone a little off the deep end, her blog got removed and it was a hot mess.  At any rate, I never got back into searching for link ups, so now's as good a time as any, right?

I've got 5 confessions for this Friday...so here goes.

1) I confess that I should be dressed, out the door and headed north right now to go work on cleaning out the other house we own in NC so that it can be put on the market.  Can you say class A number 1 procrastinator.  Well that's me.  I excel at procrastination.  Seriously.

2) I confess that I am struggling with filling out the paperwork to dispose of (what an awful, awful phrase) the embryos we have in cryostorage that were tested and came back abnormal and unusable for IVF transfer.  I know we have to do it, lest we pay another $50 to store them another month.  But knowing that I have these two embryos, a piece of myself and my husband, a boy and a girl, and I am signing a legal document to throw them away...it just unglues me.  They both have incompatible with life genetic abnormalities and would likely (like 90%) end in first trimester miscarriage.  And I don't want that.  But I think of the 100+ shots and the $1000s of dollars spent over the last 7 months and it just makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.  So I am procrastinating.

3) I confess that I ate 4, yes FOUR, Reese's egg yesterday.  I knew I shouldn't have opened the %&*# bag.  But I did it anyway...and I have no willpower...especially when dealing with things like #2 and my impending period and just feeling overwhelmed.  Those little gems, as yummy as they are packing 90 calories, 5g fat (2g saturated fat) 65mg sodium and 8g of sugar EACH.  Yeah, I'm not even gonna do the collective math.  It's bad, let's just leave it at that.

4) I confess that I had lunch with a fellow leader at my church and learned about some new health options to look at in my quest to try and turn around this being fat and filling my body full of crap thing.  She talked about dry skin brushing, detox baths, oil pulling, natural detox, apple cider vinegar shots and MORE.  I spent a chunk of the afternoon googling and looking up things on Pinterest.  I'll report those finding in another blog post in the near future.

5)I confess that I am in love with my new spring banner that I crafted on Wednesday and the random spring decor that is popping up around my house this week.  Here's a collage what's up at my house this week.

Have a wonderful afternoon,

Stephanie

Dream Job

What is my dream job and why?

I would have to do a mash up choice here. I would like to be a stay at home mom who makes cute crafty scrapbooks and home decor items to sell on Etsy all while being a "part time" student studying culinary arts, gardening and foreign languages including french, spanish, italian and whatever language they speak in Kenya so that I can be in the mission field in my spare time.

Well, hey...it's my blog. So I can pick any dream job I want, right? So there it is. In a perfect world, where I had unlimited resources and time...that's what I would choose.

Why? Well my dream is to be a mom. That's no secret. And if I could only pick one thing, that would be it. I long to hold my child in arms and that would top the list of dreams in any category.  I love to craft, garden and cook and would love to travel to other countries and spend time immersed in new cultures and be able to communicate in their native language. I would love to return to the mission field and be able to share God's love without using an interpreter. I loved Omar and he was a lifesaver my first trip, but I would have LOVED to speak to those precious children in their native tongue.

What a fun post to think about! Have a great day!

Blessings,
Stephanie

5 Things That Are Making Me Happy (right now)

Another idea from my what to blog list is name five things that are making me happy right now. I like it! So here we go.

1) Jesus - I am thankful that a 40 year old who still makes many mistakes and is far from perfect can be a child of God. And nothing can change that. He loves me forever, despite my shortcomings. He continues to bless me in ways I never imagined.

2) My sweet husband. Honestly, it is ridiculous how much I love him. Really. Like it would annoy me to hear someone go on about their husband like I do. But I can't help it. He is by and far the perfect man for me. He isn't perfect, but God has blessed me with the man I cannot imagine my life without.

3) My sister. We have a relationship that has had many stages over the years. She was my bratty little sister with all that entails for many years, delighting in getting me in trouble with our parents. Then she became someone I would take care of almost in a parental role after our parents passed. She went to college, started a job and got a place of her own and is one of the most driven business women I know. Now she is my daily confidant, encourager and dare I say it, friend. We have our moments, but I couldn't be me without her.

4)Tango - the app. I love to see some of my former daycare kids an hour away via Tango. Hearing their voices and seeing their faces light up when they see their Nannie warms my heart in such a precious way. Here is a pic of a peek a boo session via Tango. Adorable, right? Well she is...I look a little possessed, but that's not the point.

5) Spring like days. The weather today is beautiful. Cold weather is on the way back in, but it is in fact March, so what can you expect? I love that spring is a season of new growth, renewal and new beginnings. I am planning the garden and laying out new flower beds. Making the hobey do list of yard projects. I love the mild temps before the heat hits. I don't care for summer heat and humidity at all! So I'll enjoy pre spring and spring as long as it lasts!

10 Random Things

I have taken a blog break for those who have noticed the past month. We had some bad news regarding IVF results (coming soon to a blog post near you) so I just needed a brain break. And then one one week turns into two and then four. But today is a new day. I looked up blog challenges online to help jumpstart some daily ideas.

Today I am going to tackle 10 Random Things About Me...so, here we go.

1) I am married for the second time to a wonderful man I knew from childhood but had lost touch with for more than 20 years and reconnected on Facebook

2)I was an in home child care provider from 1996 to 2012. I changed a LOT of diapers. But I loved my job. Most days.

3)I have a marketing degree from UNC Charlotte. I graduated in 2004 after 12 years of full and then part time course work. I have never been employed in my field of study,  but I did complete the degree!

4)I have two four legged children who are Pekingeses. Maximillan Chase and Madeline Grace (Max and Maddie ~unless they are in trouble)

5)I love pictures and scrapbooking and crafting in general. I am a consultant for Ahni & Zoe (previously Creative Memories) You can check that out at www.ahniandzoe.com/stephaniecope if you like

6)I dream of one day traveling to Australia and Europe.

7)I love decorating my home, but am not particularly talented at it...my favorite decorating themes right now are turqoiuse or tiffany blue, brown and burlap accents.

8)I am afraid of the dark (still have a night light, but I am ok with that) and bugs that jump or fly erratically.

9)I would love to have time and resources to travel the US in an RV and see different parts of the country. I have only been to NC, SC, GA, MO, NY, FL, TN, VA, TX, HI and to Washington, DC.

10)If I won the lottery, I would get out of debt, pay off my sister's debt, set up college funds for my daycare kids, do more rounds of IVF and adopt, buy a house at the beach, the NC mountains and travel on mission trips with my husband.

Well, there you have it. Have a blessed day!

Stephanie

New Day - Better Attitude

Long time ago when we were trying to conceive the old fashioned way and I would get my period and know that yet again I was not pregnant that month, I decided to give myself a day to grieve, eat bad and just have my own little pity party. That tradition has carried true even with the advanced procedures going on in my body with the IVF cycle. I had an okay response with round one, but ultimately ended up with one embryo, not the best outcome, but still our little embryo now in crystorage. I remember the elation of the first phone call from the embryologist telling us the number that had fertilized. It was my 40th birthday and and awesome present and precious moment with my husband as we hugged each other and cried happy tears. By Friday that week we would find out that all but two had quit growing and one of the two was slowing greatly, then the next day we learned that only one made it to the freezing point. So I cried, different tears this time, but tried to be thankful for the one we had and determined to move forward towards cycle number two in hopes of better results. Due to the infertility office being closed for the holidays and some misunderstandings about expectations, the end of November and all of December was quite frustrating for us as we waited for our instructions for the next cycle which would not come until mid January. Be thankful you didn't live with me. We'll just leave it at that. This cycle was not as hard on me physically for some reason, maybe because the first one I was really unaware of how crappy your body can feel when it is all pumped up with crazy hormone medicine. Sixtish shots later and we are holding out hope for two embryos again, and I won't hear how they are doing until tomorrow. We are trusting in God's timing and plan, even though my heart aches for the eggs that didn't make it for whatever reason and the empty follicles that fooled us into thinking we had more eggs than we did. So yesterday I mourned, I cried, I ate bad, though not really too bad because I was still feeling kinda puny. We had takeout Japanese food for supper and it was really yummy since I hardly made an effort to do anything yesterday, let alone cook. Heck I never took a shower. Yeah it's gross, I know, but it is what it is. I had my self pity day. Today is a new day, I am praying for God's strength as we wait for the news tomorrow. I have plenty of work to do today to finish a custom order and do some planning for a busy Saturday with a scrapbooking day and my sister's house blessing that night. No time for laying around today. I am placing my trust in the Lord, and resting on the fact that He has never left me or forsaken me, even when I was convinced He had. He loves us and He will provide for us. He doesn't promise to answer all of our prayers our way or that our lives will be struggle free. He only asks that we follow Him, praise Him in ALL things and that's what I choose to do today. Blessings to all who have come by here, Stephanie

Infertility Sucks!

We had our second round of egg retrieval yesterday. It was a long day, but I spent much of the afternoon sleeping off the pain meds. We were told at my last ultrasound that we were looking at 10 follicles. 6 on one side and 4 on the other. They only retrieved 5 eggs and the report we got this morning was that only three were mature and only two of those fertilized. After 60ish shots, 5 ultrasounds and more bloodwork than I can remember...we have 2 embryos. Best case is they both grow like they are supposed to. So that's what we pray now. That God has a plan for us and He will work that out with the embryos we have. Waiting is maddening. Crying is plentiful, especially today, though unproductive in the big scheme. I am waiting to talk to my nurse to see if something went wrong, or if they can tell me why my bloodwork and ultrasounds seemed good, yet the outcome was poor. Very frustrating to say the least. So now we pray and trust God.

My poor hand...the nurse was very thorough in the taping.

And us before I headed to the surgical room and before I got the goofy juice...but I don't remember anything after the anesthesiologist said I am not leaving your side, now lay your hands on you chest. And then I woke up in the recovery room.

Almost time

Today marked my fifth internal ultrasound in a week. Yeah. Not fun. But today I hopefully had my last one for this cycle. Tomorrow is just bloodwork and the egg retrieval is Tuesday morning at 9:30am. Praying for great eggs this time and lots of healthy embryos.

Snow Day

We did indeed get between 1 and 2 inches of snow last night...yay!

I was able to watch it snow after dark because RC rigged up the shop light onto the porch so I could see into our dark yard. He really is awesome!

Thankfully he can work from home and is here safe and sound. I am fighting a nasty headache today courtesy of my hormone shots. Boo!

Thankful for the snow and the safety of the ones I love. Be blessed today everyone!

S

Infertility "Fun"

We are halfway through this egg retrieval cycle and I am hanging in there so far. The picture in this post is my morning dose of meds...looks fun, right? *Ahem* ok maybe not, but it is the way things must be done. So far we are looking at between 9 and 11 follicles that might be ready, so that would be good if they have some good quality eggs in them.

I can't say I am not a little envious of the handful of pregnant ladies in my life that just turned up pregnant without planning, but I am thankful that God has provided us with the insurance and financial means to attempt to be parents via IVF. If things go as planned, my embryo transfer will be in early April. That would be awesnome! But I am not there yet...so every day we pray that the drugs are doing their job and that we will end up with some great embryos to test and implant.

We are supposed to have snow today, which is super exciting since we don't get it often and I am super pumped! I will share some pics tomorrow if the weatherman is right!

My latest Pinterest find was a recipe for homemade coffee creamer.  I love a little coffee with my creamer,  so I drink a lot of it. And it's not exactly healthy. Funny thing is the vanilla caramel one tastes kinda like snow cream to me. I am drinking it right now and looking forward to some real snow cream later. Here is the recipe for the base and all the variations DIY Coffee Creamer To be fair the recipes aren't super healthy either, but at least they leave out the things I cannot pronounce! Enjoy!

Catching up...

I am behind on blogging, but this time I have some pretty good reasons. RC was sick, then I got sick, now RC is sick again. I started my cycle, so it's game on for the second round of IVF. This is why I am blogging at 6am on a Saturday, because I have to do shots at 6:30am and pm. Fun times. We are doing a different protocol this time that jumps right in to stimulation meds in the hope of a better response rate since we had just one embryo at the end of our first cycle. I am nervous, already hating the internal ultrasounds and bloodwork, and really just praying that we are able to move to transfer this cycle. My nurse said if all goes well and as planned, we would do the embryo transfer the first week of April.  We were blessed to have an answered prayer in the finances of the cycle this time, having to considerably less at the moment because of some insurance lags, but we will take it!

Missing "my" babies this week...just the everyday laughs and craziness that went along with my job. It's hard to see them growing up via Instagram pictures or Tango chats, but I truly hope and pray that this time next year we will have a little one of our own.

I am off to do.some Bible study homework for Tuesday while all is quiet. Enjoy some pics of the first day of meds...

Blessings,
Stephanie

Catching up with pictures

I am behind. Again. So here is what I have been doing the past few days. Took my niece out, made some custom order party favors and some goodies for my Fish Camp ladies.

It was bound to happen...

So I missed a day yesterday. It was bound to happen, and only 9 days in, it indeed did. Oh well, we are just going to keep on trucking. Yesterday was kind of a whirlwind with lots of errands, cleaning and a little shopping. I did finally hear from the fertility office, thank goodness, and we are a go for a retrieval cycle this month. We are going to do a different protocol and changing up some meds in hopes to have a better retrieval and fertilization rate this time. And then it's on to testing and transfer in February I think. I am pretty pumped about having a plan finally and now to work out the financial side. We are blessed to have great coverage and still are having to pay a nice little chunk out of pocket, and are trusting God to provide as He always seems to do. Tomorrow is my January scrapbooking event and I am hoping to complete some made to order products for one of my customers for a baby shower and then Sunday is a big church service with all of the NRCC folks in one service at one time. It's going to be a little insane of a weekend. My hubby is practicing his bass at the moment for the big church service and it's loud, but he just played a song I love...and I'll leave you with it for tonight. Hopefully next week my posts will be a little deeper, trying to retrain my brain back to blogging. Enjoy Man of Sorrows

Not the Day I Planned

Today I was headed to work on our other house and run some NC errands. But this morning we found out our niece had some complications from her tonsil surgery last week and had been admitted to the local children's hospital. So I headed up there for the day. I managed not to get lost going to the hospital,  but ended up in the wrong parking deck and building. Oh well. Here are some pics from the day. I hate hospitals. But at least I was able to be a good aunt for the day.

What Day is it? What Day is it?

Nope, it's not hump day. But it is Fish Camp Day! What is Fish Camp you ask? Well it's our ladies' ministry at New River Community Church. And we meet on Tuesday mornings. And I love this precious time with my sisters in Christ. Like, REALLY love it. I am a social butterfly and love, love, love meeting and hanging out with new ladies and getting to know them and their families. This semester I am co leading again with the pastor's wife and we are doing a study on Genesis. The first book in a set of 3 that we are doing is this one.  I love the precept books because they make you HAVE to get in the Word to be able to get your homework done.  And Lord knows I need boundaries and accountability to get things done.  Next week is our first regular meeting and I can't wait to see the new faces in our group and get to know them!


One of my new favorites songs is actually not new, but I am totally digging it...So I'll leave you with it today, check it out here

Monday Devotional Thoughts

I am using an online reading devotional by Billy Graham and today it is talking about living in constant anticipation of the return of Jesus Christ.  "If we could live every day as though it may be the very last one before the final judgment, what a difference it would make here on earth! But we don't' like to think that way.  We don't like to think that our carefully made plans, our long range schemes may be interrupted by the trumpet of God."

Well, how about that? That steps on my toes a little for sure!  I am making plans for our invitro, for vacations, for house renovations...trivial everyday stuff...all the time.  How about the important stuff.  Drawing closer to a relationship with God?  Seeking His will for my life.  Sure, I think about it.  But is it a today could be my last day on earth kinda thing?  Nope.  I have things I'd like to do before God returns.  Like be a mom.  Like clean out our other house and get it on the market.  Like lose weight. Priorities.  Hmm. 

Now I'm not gonna beat myself up over this, because I believe that satan would love nothing more than to put that thought in my head, to convince me I'm not able to please God, to be "good enough".  Well, what I do know is that I don't have to be good enough.  God sent His Son, to die for me.  I can't be good enough, do good enough, read my Bible enough or go to church enough.  It doesn't work that way.  God sent His Son to die so that my sins were forgiven.  He only asks me to follow Him.  Repent of my sins.  Seek a relationship with Him.  It's not rocket science.  But, it does require a commitment from me.  So for that...I will move this thought forward...

What if today was my last day?  Have I done all I can do to reach people for Jesus?  Seek Him out and praise Him? On the days that the answer is no, I will lean back on His grace is sufficient for me.

2 Corinthians 12:9  But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Blessings, S

Lazy Sunday

Today was pretty lazy. We did get the Christmas storage boxes in the attic and furniture rearranged back to normal, so that was good.

I started my banner tonight while watching the Tarheels get their butts whooped by Wake Forest...boo.  But the banner is looking cute though. So there's that. Now it needs to dry and be strung on the jute cord and it will be ready for the mantle. That's pretty much all for today!

Random Saturday Thoughts

Last night we watched "The Princess and the Frog" with the kids on Disney. I have to say I was quite disappointed with the voodoo, black magic and evil spirits that the movie focused on and around. Now, I am all for Aladdin's magic carpet or Cinderella's bippity, boppity, boo. But this movie rubbed me the wrong way. I just don't like the reality of voodoo and the witchcraft theme in a Disney movie and it will not be one we own in our house. Ever. While it may be a cartoon, the devil and evil are real and I won't choose to have that around for my kids or others to watch.  This movie came out a few years ago and following a quick search on google, I see that it did indeed meet with some controversy when released and I am not suprised. Just suprised me I guess at how dark it really was. As for me and my house, we choose no.

Christmas decor is down and the scattering of snowflakes are making their way out of the boxes for the month of January. I am tempted to make this http://www.etsy.com/listing/167275068/let-it-snow-burlap-banner?ref=cat_gallery_29 for my mantle. Love it!

For tonight, that is all. Blessings to all those who pass by here!

Stephanie

Baby, it's cold outside!

This morning it is windy and cold (22 degrees and 12 with the wind chill). It is my opinion that if it going to be this cold, there needs to be snow on the ground! At any rate, I am glad that I do not work an outside job, and I am so sad for the many outdoor pets who are not properly being cared for, like my neighbor's dog who lives his whole life outside chained to a post :-(

I am increasingly frustrated with the lack of communication from the fertility office while we await our next retrieval cycle, all the while there have been 3 pregnancy announcements via Facebook this week. Lovely. I am happy for them. Really I am. *sigh*

Tonight I'll be having a Nannie sleepover with three sweet children and I can't wait! We are going to eat pizza for supper and head back across the border for bedtime. Currently two are entranced in a movie, but little K is willing to cheese it up! Next up? Bedtime x's 3.

Back to Reality

RC has been off since December 23rd and had to head back to work today. We were able to get a few small projects done at the house while he was off, my favorite being the start of the transformation of a dresser to kitchen island. Here it is so far. We still need to add the top, decide what to do with the knobs and apply some kind of distress technique to get the look I want, but I love it already!

The beginning of a new month, and a new year means back to saving money. One way I like to save money and reduce preservatives is making my own bread. My sister gave me a fancy, smancy breadmaker for Christmas and I am getting ready to use it for the first time. Will update with a picture of the finished product.  Nothing smells better than fresh baked bread!

Happy New Year from the Copes!

Well, 2014 is here! We rang in the New Year with family and friends and I can't wait to see what this year holds for us. Praying for God's blessing on all of those who read this.

Stephanie