Friday, August 27, 2010

Stream of Consciousness

This a random post of just thoughts rolling around int my head...I've started to post several times and never completed any of them, so I'm just gonna roll 'em all into one...beware :)

Sometimes life just doesn't make sense, and I just want to shake those close to me and say SERIOUSLY??? I love the people in my life, but dang...sometimes...they make decisions that I just don't get. And then want my support, which I can't quite give because, frankly, I think they might be smoking crack...well not really, but you get my point. Sheesh! I want the best for those in my life, especially "my" kids, and I know they have to grow and learn on their own, but "letting" them make bad decisions hurts my heart! I would give my right arm to save them from broken hearts and even one second of self doubt - it just weighs so heavy on me that any of them have to suffer because of the actions of those who say they "love" them! I am going to leave this topic be for the moment because I feel my blood pressure rising as I type - just gonna keep praying for this and let the Lord guide me to help where I'm supposed to and not where I want to!

Speaking of things I WANT to do...I want to get healthy...of course meaning lose weight, fit in my clothes, be more self confident...etc...but I more desire to FEEL healthy, regardless of the number on a scale, the size printed on the tag of my clothes or how I look in a picture. I feel like I've wasted so much time in a cycle of dieting, overeating, feeling bad about overeating so eating some more...well, you get the idea. I am charging towards my 37th birthday and just am NOT happy about the way I take care of myself. Yet I can't seem to find the motivation to stay on track...just not sure what my problem is!

The 5's are all starting school in the next few days and I can't believe it's already time for them to leave me. Five years has passed like a flash and it feels like just yesterday that Cheyenne, Peyton and Karcen were all in infant carriers...and now they are going to school and not looking back! Time is flying by in my life and I feel like a bystander more than a participant - praying about this...can't really blog about it just yet...just praying for now.

There are many more thoughts...just out of time for now.

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