Sometimes you can't help but make bad decisions. Well I don't if that's actually true. But today it feels that way. There are things in your life that just feel out of control and that you are just standing by watching it happen. And it doesn't feel good. There hasn't been some monumental bad event to happen to me recently, but I almost made a mistake recently. One that I made last year and have been carrying with me as guilt since. Trying to fill a void that can't be filled with earthly things I suspect, but sometimes I think I may never learn. Luckily (although it doesn't feel so lucky at the moment) God intervened I would say and prevented me from traveling a familar path seeking approval, acceptance and reminded me that in fact I do indeed know better.
In the past few days I have put on my happy face, smiled, laughed, went through the regular life motions yet again all the while my mind running rampant about the things in my life and decisions I've made. But I don't feel like I'm in control of my life. Not really. I want to move on from this place, and there are days I feel like I am. But days like today, something (the devil himself, I'd guess) sucks me back into a pattern of thoughts, doubts and fears that make me think...what in the world is going on in my life.
I have faith that God knows all about my struggles, desires a REAL relationship with me and to fill the place in my life that I keep trying to clutter up with earthly 'stuff'. I'll be honest though, I am struggling to find a place of balance in the everyday cycles of life that are pushing me towards the end result. The earthly desires, selfishness, insecurties and just plain stupidity stand between me and what I know to be true, know to be genuine and the only thing that I can really count on. God's love. He gives it to me freely. All I have to do is follow Him.
Everyone has good days and bad. I get that. Sometimes it feels like you get stuck in a rut, letting everything overwhelm you and just not praying and planning before you make decisions. I get that too. I just really want the good days, the days that make sense, to outweigh the ones that just suck.
I am working on a post about a lesson I just read in the "Crazy Love" book about being a lukewarm Christian. It was an interesting look at how we live 'for' God, as long as it's not 'too much work or infringes on our life'. It's not ready yet, but I'll work on that some more soon.
My prayer this week is to stop and pray before I make decisions that I already know I'm gonna regret. Even as I am considering doing them. I know better. I know my faith tells me so. I just need the strength to follow it.
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